Silly season. Endless nonsensical transfer stories, whilst we all pretend to care about how Norway will fare in the European Under 21 Championships, or feign an interest in Nigeria’s preparations for the Confederations Cup.
Yet, next year, after another summer of St. George’s flags on car windows, awfully sunburnt men wearing knight costumes singing borderline racist songs and, ultimately, another dose of glorious failure, you’ll be in the same boat you are now. Wishing proper football would come back.
It’s exactly 365 days ‘til the 2014 World Cup kicks off, and
we all know how it’s going to end. In tears. So let’s get the blubbing out of
the way. Here’s exactly how England’s trip to South America will pan out.
Probably
Qualification background: With two games remaining England lie level on points with Montenegro and welcome the table toppers to Wembley. It’s playing out to a goalless draw before Ben Foster, who, in the place of the injured Joe Hart (scalp), is having an unusually good game for an England goalkeeper who isn’t Joe Hart, keeps up to the stereotype by slicing a backpass into his own net to consign the Three Lions to defeat.
With pressure mounting on manager Roy Hodgson before their
must win final fixture at home to Poland, the press jump on Hodgson’s back, The
Sun leading a ‘We told you so, our mate, ‘Arry for England!’ campaign. Rumours
that Harry Redknapp, in his third tenure as Blackburn Rovers boss in as many months,
has spoken to David Bernstein overshadow the preparation for the game which
England must grab three points to guarantee a play-off place.
With the unwelcome sight of Redknapp in the crowd at a
packed Wembley, England just do enough, Daniel Sturridge grabbing a brace,
which is immediately ruined by him doing that stupid dance-thing he does, to
consign the Poles to a 2-0 defeat.
England are paired with bogie-side Croatia in the two legged playoff.
The first leg in Zagreb is a fiery affair, with both sides
reduced to 10 men early on, when Jack Wilshere reacts badly to Luka Modric’s
snide ‘You’re only slightly better than Tom Cleverly’ jibe, and fisticuffs
occur, with the Arsenal and former Spurs stars being sent for an early bath
after a pathetic case of handbags. The game peters out to a goalless draw, but
a week later England struggle through, as a late Gary Cahill header sends the
Three Lions to Brazil.
It’s the off the pitch drama which grabs most attention,
though, as Roy Hodgson is sacked the following morning for a traumatic and ultimately
nearly-unsuccessful qualification campaign. Anybody with a modicum of sense is
outraged, but obviously that doesn’t stop The Sun photoshopping his head onto
an avocado and continuing their Redknapp campaign. The Venky family, by this
time, have sacked Harry (again) after an unsatisfying draw at Chelsea in the
League Cup, and Redknapp is soon announced as Hodgson’s successor.
Squad Announcement: Redknapp faces a striker’s crisis as Wayne Rooney and
Jermaine Defoe both pick up metatarsal breaks, and Sturridge has done that
stupid bopping-dance-thing one too many times, dislocating his shoulder on the
penultimate weekend of the season whilst celebrating a consolation at Carrow
Road. With England’s three top scorers from qualification ruled out, Redknapp plumps for the uncapped duo of Rickie Lambert and Gary Hooper (“both are t’rific little players”) as well as giving Peter Crouch his first call up for two years. Jack Wilshere is included, despite being suspended for the first two games. Other uncapped players named in the squad include Southampton’s Luke Shaw and Andros Townsend, and Jermaine Jenas is given a recall. FIFA do however block Redknapp’s attempts to renationalise Tal Ben-Haim.
The Group Stage: On the eve of the first game against Sweden, Jordan Henderson picks up a hamstring tear, and is (literally) replaced by Redknapp’s son, the tiny tie-knot wearing, squeaky voiced Jamie. Redknapp denies favouritism towards his boy, despite him having one and a half knees and not playing since 2005.
It doesn’t stop Harry partnering Jamie with nephew Frank Lampard in centre midfield against the Swedes. England grab a late equaliser in an exciting 2-2 draw. Crouch had given England the lead with a nice turn and shot (“Good feet for a big man” the ever cliché-spouting Redknapp later commented) before a Zlatan Ibrahimovic double looked to have given the Scandinavians the points. However, Olof Mellberg heads in a late equalising own goal to hand England a draw.
The Three Lions follow that up with a crucial win against a
much depleted Nigeria. A second minute Nwankwo Kanu opener, becoming the World
Cup’s oldest ever scorer at 106, isn’t enough to stop England as they trample
all over their opposition, as braces from Crouch and Phil Jones, as well as a
thunderbolt from Lampard give the England fans something to cheer, and
eliminates their ageing opponents at the earliest possible stage.
A point is enough in their final match against South Korea,
and that’s exactly what they get, a goalless match sending England to their
knock-out stages. The match is overshadowed by an unsavoury incident involving
the Korean left-back and Redknapp’s dog Rosie, which for legal reasons I can’t
go into.
PART 2 COMING SOON.
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