England's 2014 World Cup Journey Revealed: Part 2

This time next year, a couple of weeks into the tournament, England's brave lions will most probably be heading home with the press still scratching their heads wondering why Hodgson can't end the Gerrard-Lampard conundrum and why St. George's Park hasn't fixed the England side into an all conquering force, despite it being built to develop players who aren't even sperm yet, rather than helping Jack Rodwell learn how to do more keepy-ups.

Possibly.

Let's face it. It's going to be messy. Or Messi (Try the veal). So let's get high on delusion as I bring you part two of England's nonsensical journey in Brazil.

Knockout Rounds: England finish second in their group behind the Swedes, and so face the might of Argentina in the last-16. Most of the national press write off England’s chances, but Redknapp's side conveniently cruise through to the quarters, mainly because if they didn't, this article would be way too short. Lionel Messi and Sergio Aguero struggle to get involved, as England, without Jamie Redknapp, who had to return home to film another utterly awful series of ‘A League of Their Own’ with the woefully unfunny James Corden , race into a two goal lead with a strike from the enigmatic Jack Wilshere as well as a header from Gary Hooper. The Crystal Palace striker, who, despite his 15 goals this season, saw his side relegated with a record four points (all four against Newcastle), grabbed his first international goal by towering over Jonas Gutierrez who for some reason unbeknown to any human being is still picking up international caps.

Into the quarter finals, and England have a chance of revenge for their Euro 2012 elimination as they meet the Italians. A repeat of the goalless 120 minutes ensues, with at least 75% of the match being spent with England camped in front of their goal, allowing Andrea Pirlo (“He’s no Papa Bouba-Diop” said the England manager before the game) to play neat pass after neat pass. Penalties it is, and finally the Three Lions get over their spot-kick hoodoo, as they eliminate their continental cousins 4-3, with only Andros Townsend missing for England.

In the run-up to the semi-final against Germany, Townsend is sent home in disgrace as it emerges that he had placed a bet on himself to miss in the previous round’s shoot-out. Townsend puts up a spirited defence of his actions (“Honest, I was just reeled in by Ray Winstone’s massive head – he said I had to do it ‘NAAAAAH’” said the Tottenham winger) but FIFA have a no-nonsense policy on betting unless it’s with a FIFA sponsored booking firm or benefits Sepp Blatter in any way, and send Townsend packing.

Redknapp replaces Townsend with Stuart Downing for the semi-final in Sao Paolo, and it looks to have worked a treat, as the on loan Fulham winger’s cross feeds Lambert to put England half an hour away from their greatest moment since ’66. Yet, the Germans, led by the cardigan-wearing, snot munching Joachim Löw in his final international tournament before becoming Chelsea manager, after the whole controversial Jose Mourinho-Petr Cech-Diego Lopez fiasco, sees his substitutions turn the game on its head as a Marco Reus double ensures the German’s have their beach towels on the Rio-based sun lounger (Clive Tyldesley’s words, not mine). Rickie Lambert sees a penalty tipped wide with ten minutes left, ensuring the only two certainties in football left are Mario Balotelli never missing a penalty and John Terry being a moronic human being, and that was that. England fall just short again. After the final whistle, skipper Steven Gerrard is dismissed after an altercation with a number of FIFA officials, as the Liverpool man reacts badly to his request for “something by Phil Collins” to be played over the PA is denied.

And that is that. 48 years of hurt it is. Spain go on to win the tournament, because, you know, that’s what they do when they enter tournaments. Neymar, despite the obvious disadvantage that he has to play all of his matches via YouTube, picks up the Golden Boot. Redknapp resigns, citing that he misses the hustle and bustle of Transfer Deadline Day . Another tournament, another empty Wembley trophy cabinet.

Big Sam, 2016 glory is in your hands…